Hello All,
My name is Eric and I'm a 43 - year - old writer living in Seattle. I'm very happy to have found this forum. The nuts and bolts of my story:
I was raised Episcopal, confirmed, acolyte, all that. Loved the church.
In high school, started going to YoungLife
Followed my YoungLife friends to an independent fundamentalist charistmatic church
Began attending and following the elders of the church
Was 'spiritually adopted' by the parents of the friend who first brough me to the church.
Prayed secretly for God to 'heal' me of being gay. Knew the church had the answer...
Spent many hours at this family's home. Most of this was 'instructional' time. A lot of the 'instruction' was attempts to 'drive demons' from me.
Graduated from high school with a messed-up sense of who I was and a deep sense of shame.
Continued to pray for 'healing' for my sexuality.
Spent a year between HS and college to ground myself. Dove headlong into the church. Also attended a 'messianic jewish' congregation. Loved the traditions and singing. Had a huge crush on the rabbi.
Parents moved to another state - moved with them for college.
Found a church close to parents' house with loud, charismatic services.
Had my first 'full immersion' baptism.
Continued to pray for deliverance of my gayness.
Went to a Nazarene church for a while at school.
Found s harder-line church to attend while at school. Pastor advocated beating your kids until they cry. The friend I'd taken to this church for the first time left, horrified.
Continued to pray and fast for my 'healing.'
Made lots of Christian friends at school.
Had my first gay affair the summer of my freshman year. Cried and cried and cried.
Returned to school, determined to get right with God.
Went to church constantly.
Prayed constantly.
Began having nightmares.
Prayed more.
Got a job in a French restaurant.
Discovered I was not the only gay person in Ann Arbor, Michigan.
Disovered lesbians.
Heard people tell me for the first time that being gay was okay.
Left the church cold turkey.
Began drinking.
Got a boyfriend.
Graduated from college.
Moved to Chicago.
Left boyfriend, found another.
Continued drinking.
Repeated above several times.
Stopped drinking through AA.
Struggled with spiritual aspect of the program.
Discovered there were many different ways to see and experience God.
Asked myself what I believed for the first time.
Didn't know how to answer.
Stopped dating cold turkey.
Went through intensive therapy.
Read lots and lots and lots.
Went to a few churches: Unity, Religous Science, Episcopal.
Episcopal priest tells me God loves me because of who I am, not in spite of.
Cried.
Career as writer begins to take off.
Through odd circumstances, begin dating a friend.
Four years later, my partner and I have a commitment ceremony.
Parents attend. Friends come from all over the country.
Three nuns who live in our apartment come celebrate.
Everyone cries.
Continue with Unity and Religious Science churches.
Continue to ask what I believe.
Continue to answer: I'm not sure.
Question begins to feel as comfortable as the answer.
Accept a job in Seattle, partner and I rush across country in order to avoid Y2K blackout on December 31, 1999.
Turn the lights on at 12:05, 1/1/00
Kiss partner in relief.
Continue living in the question.
That's pretty much the outline. I find I still have a part of my brain that accuses me of treading the primrose path to hell. That everything I've done since leaving the church has been suggested by Satan. That my 12 + year relationship with my partner is evil. That my success in my career is nothing more than the 'riches of this world.' I find if I hold the daily evidence of my life up to the light of day I am fine. That I know more love in my life now than I did when I was immersed in the ways of the fundamentalist church.
I had found an ex-pentecostalist forum and posted a few things on it. I found out, however, that topics relating to homosexuality were not to be discussed. I suppose I could have stayed in that forum and just kept that part of myself hidden. But I thought: to hell with that. I am not going to hide or change myself simply to make someone else more comfortable. I had enough years of that in the church. From what I've read in these pages so far gayness isn't an issue in this forum. Thank God! I would like to see the whole Christian/gay either/or apparent debate put to rest. I am gay. I am a Christian. I am also a Buddhist. I see no conflict there.
So --- that's me in a nutshell. I'm going to go downstairs now because my nose tells me that my partner Paul just seared a bunch of pork chops . . .
peace
eric
--------------------------------------------------------------
- -- Baby, baby, baby, baby, oh baby.
-Karen Carpenter
