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(Date Posted:02/04/2005 23:17:03)
Hi.I found this forum by accident and decided to join; maybe I'll fit in here.First, I recently turned 17 years old. I have been kicked out of the last two houses I've lived in over the past 3 years, and I am currently living with my ultra-conservative Pentecostal aunt and uncle, but I don't hold that against them; I love them very much.I've always been interested in religious matters, and I had some Pentecostal family, so I became involved in the United Pentecostal Church International at abou the age of 10, and I did not leave it until the age of 15. I have a comprehensive knowledge of the Bible, and I left due to its internal inconsistencies. I still love to read the Bible, so I have a lot of interesting knowledge I can contribute here. It's hard not having anyone to talk to, so maybe I can share the knowledge here.I sound okay right now, I feel okay right now, but really I am not. I am suffering from an emotional disorder, and I'm not sure which, but I should be seeing a psychiatrist soon. I feel very lonely, and I hope I will find a friend here. I have endured emotional, and sometimes physical abuse my entire life. I was kicked out of my mother's house after I called the police on her for physically abusing me. I then lived with my step grandmother (in her 40s) for two years. After she found out I'm gay, which I didn't intend for her to know, I endured emotional abuse from her. She told my brother and sister (who I love) repeatedly that the devil lives in me, as well as a lot of other hateful things. Later on I was unstable and thought I could kill myself to go get some knowledge and then come back, and then I was hospitalized. My grandma tried to help, but she did it grudingly, saying she wasn't sure I wasn't just trying to get attention. I was put on some anti-depressants, and I think they're actually making it worse. I continued to journal and wrote about my homecidal thoughts regarding my grandmother because of the way she has treated me, but I added that I would never act on such impulses in the entry. She read my journal during school, conviently ignored the paragraph about having no intentions to harm anyone, called the police on me, and kicked me out. She is still a hateful, arrogant bitch who thinks that I am going straight to hell because I am gay and open-minded. I currently have no contact with her.I am having problems with hallucinations and problems with my emotions bouncing from happy, to depressed, to extremely angry, back and forth, back and forth. I am worried that I will soon be hospitalized again. Right now I am having a bout of depression and anxiety, and I need someone to talk to. My aunt and uncle do not know much about me, including that I am gay, which is good....But I'm worried about them finding out about my problems. I don't really know what to do.I am willing to communicate with anyone who wishes via e-mail. My e-mail address is stubborn-envelope@excite.com
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