(Date Posted:03/14/2003 21:20:48)
I went out with a friend the other night. I hadn't seen her in a year and a half, and I was really afraid of how it would turn out. It was... a disaster.
I just got an email today saying that she found she wasn't comfortable spending time with me one-on-one; I attribute that to my inability to not manifest largely unresolved feelings for her, though her statement was that I'm not respecting the decisions she makes in her life. (Her mostly-ex-boyfriend is a big part of that, and the main reason I wasn't quite comfortable with her.)
I'm going to plead sort of guilty on that one... like all of us here I have a lot of residual programming regarding morality and such that is hard for me to suppress, and I did tell her that. But the damage is probably done; since I last saw her we've grown quite a distance apart, and the relationship just isn't (and probably can never be) what it was back in the high school days when her classmates (we went to different schools so she didn't know most of my friends) thought we were a couple for years.
We shall see what happens. It occurs to me that I was trying to force my old feelings in hopes of rekindling a fantasy; apparently I didn't hold that back enough.
Oh well... the best I can say is that she's a part of my past, something in my life that doesn't really apply anymore. Perhaps we'll be better friends again, but it will take a long time, and more luck than anything else.
/Brian
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Trapped behind stained glass/It is hard to see how great/the world really is
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