So . . . we just bought a house and sold our condo. We didn't use my husband's friend's wife as our realtor on either end. It's a long story, but basically she (wife of a very close, long-time friend) had been trying to be a full time realtor for a while with no success, much to do with her personality and unwillingness to go out of her comfort zone (she's the only child of wealthy parents). She didn't likerunning open houses alone, so she made her husband come along and read a book. She didn't like sitting in the office where there is a lot of street traffic, so she sat at home (where not surprisingly, no potential clients simply showed up at her door). When it became apparent that her foray into real estate wasn't working out, and that even though her parents bought their condo for them they still weren't making enough (her husband is in grad school), she sort of looked for a job. But mostly she just pretended to be busy decorating the condo (which looks about like my first apartment -- white walls, hand me down furniture -- so I'm not sure what there was really to decorate). This went on for months, while she talked about jobs she might apply to but never got around to. She'd mention a potential job, and I'd ask oh, great, have you interviewed?, and she'd say something vague about how she just hadn't gotten around to writing her resume yet what with all the decorating she had to do.Finally I guess the money ran out, so she got a full time job temping somewhere. It's better than nothing, but as a temp you are losing, what, 1/3 of your paycheck to the company? But I guess to her, "temping" meant she was still a realtor who just had this temporary gig until things picked up (and clearly things picking up all depended upon all her friends and acquaintances giving her business). Anyway, back when all of this was hypothetical and she was at least trying to be a full time realtor, we really thought we would use her, but when the time came, we just weren't comfortable. I guess it's hard to use someone as a professional, even a friend, if you don't fully trust or respect her. I think she's just really immature and takes things way too personally. I remember how she trashtalked our mutual friend's brother for not using her, like this was really outrageous, but the brother wasn't even her friend. And then she had a party that some other mutual friends didn't attend, and she trashtalked them, exclaiming, "They haven't even seen our new place!" I'm sure they hadn't turned down 1,000 invitations; they'd just been invited this once and couldn't make it.Another time I came upon her husband smoking. Honestly, I didn't know he wasn't "supposed" to be, so I didn't think anything of it. He got this really dejected look and begged me not to tell his wife. I mention this as a precedence for how he reacted to our news.So, of course, when we decided not to use her, she was really professional and accepting, and even though she was a little disappointed, she was happy for us. No, just kidding. Apparently we've "betrayed" her, and we are now being shunned.We didn't know how to go about breaking the news, and we could have handled it better, but honestly I was thinking of how I would rather find out. I'm a pretty stoic person, and I don't like to let others see me down. I figured that if I were trying to be a realtor, finding out that friends had used someone else would be disappointing, and I wouldn't want to be in front of them when I heard the news because I wouldn't want to react negatively. And since the real friendship here is our husbands, it seemed appropriate for my husband to tell hers. Well, he did, and her husband decided . . . not to tell her. At some point she mentioned to a third party that we would probably use her to buy a house soon, and he still didn't tell her. When she found out and was horribly upset, he pretended he didn't know.As far as she knows, we didn't even bother to tell her, so she is justifiably upset about that. So how I am supposed to proceed when the truth isn't on the table? I teach teenagers and I can take a lot of shit with grace, but I won't deal in lies.She is not a very social person, but for the last two months has been hanging out with all of our friends without us and throwing parties to which we are not invited, and I'm sure it is to make a point.Our mutual friends areall sympathetic and apparently have all secretly disliked her for a long time, so that's comforting, but it's still frustrating. I think the most frustrating thing is how her husband enables her to be a big baby and is so afraid of her that he lies easily and often. Sometimes my emotions get the best of me, but my husband will tell me to snap out of it, and I will. I'm a big girl, and if I'm being dumb, ok, tell me, and I'll be angry for a bit and get over it. Don't cower in the corner while I place a circle of eggshells around myself.Anyway, I was thinking about this now because finally, after two months, my husband and her husband are hanging out. I guess she finally gave him "permission." I think there's a slight chance he'll basically break up with my husband and tell him they're on the outs until further notice. I think there's a greater chance that he's felt guilty about my husband's repeated calls (my husband finally had to mail his birthday present because he would never agree to meet) and is just throwing my husband a bone without the intention of resuming relations as normal because to his wife it's really a choice between us or her. And then there's a teensy tiny chance that she's matured and been able to swallow her pride and we'll actually see her soon too. I'm not holding my breath.I'm not sure if I care about being her friend or not. I wonder if I really just care about winning. She's never been fun to hang out with, and she always underpays bills and talks about other people andwantsyou toattend parties that either have themes more appropriate to high school or involve you buying crap from her. But none of that eclipsed our husbands' friendship, and she could be ok to hang out with in the right context, so I never really thought about it before. But now it's just so annoying that we are half of a widely talked about split in the circle of friends that we, frankly, put together. She wouldn't have known any of those people if it weren't for us, and now she's making all this racket trying to get our attention by ignoring us . . . if that makes sense. It's really just annoying.And ya know, we really struggled with the decision not to use her. After how she reacted about the friend's brother, we knew it would be a blow. We just didn't expect lies and shunning. Another couple is putting their house on the market and is not planning to use her, partly because she's obviously not professional (we're hoping that will take some of the heat off of us -- hello, NOBODY wants to useyou because you just don't have what it takes . . . it's not personal). Aside from the shunning, she was always telling us not to bid below asking price because that would "insult the seller" and because every house ever was "priced really well" (we got 7% off the asking price which had already been reduced 10%, and we sold our condo for the most one of those units have ever gone for even though the market is slowing). So in the end, we are just SOO glad we didn't let what was best for her trump what was best for us.I'd just like to give a nod out to my parents. I wasn't deprived as a child, and I could have turned out like a spoiled brat, but I know how to take care of myself and I worked really hard to get the job that I wanted. I could have just sat around living off of family money or hoping a man would pay my bills, but I haven't. I think my parents did me right. And also -- it doesn't take two months of being unemployed to move into a two bedroom condo. We moved into our house four weeks ago today, and we are completely unpacked, we've painted, we've gotten new appliances, etc., and we are both employed full time.Well, to anyone who is still reading, thanks for reading my rant. I feel better now. I just wanted to get it off my chest since I don't like talking about it with friends who know her too, and my husband and I have beat that horse good and dead.

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--Phoenixgirl

"I am influenced at the present time by far higher considerations and by a nobler idea of duty than I ever was when I held the Evangelical belief." George Eliot
"I have one great fear in my heart, that one day when they are turned to loving, they will find we are turned to hating." Alan Paton's Cry, the Beloved Country (I promise I read this before it was an Oprah book club book)