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freebird75
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Rank:none
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Posts: 93
Registered: 09/14/2002
Time spent: 115 hours

(Date Posted:05/04/2008 17:32:46)

I've been staying away from Christians for years after walking away. Then last year I decided that I shouldn't be so judgmental and give poor christians chance. After all, our beliefs are our own, my morals are very loosely similar to the ones in the Bible, not all Christians are fundies... Maybe I just had bad luck to date a Christian who wasn't even a fundy but was enough brainwashed culturally, traditionally and religiously to be absolutely incompatible with me.

I thought it really doesn't matter that much whether you believe in God or not. I'm not a complete atheist. I don't have much respect for Christian dogma, but once you peel off all that god/jesus whatever stuff from the Bible, there is some good material there. It's just important having an open mind. I was very straightforward about my lack of belief to my ex-boyfriend. I told him that I used to believe it but now I'm over it and there's no chance that I'll ever believe in the same way again. I also made it clear that even though I don't object too much to Christian morality as the society is pretty much built on it and it's just hard to go too much against it, in no way do I have the same view on morality. I may agree that some things are not such a good idea to do, but I don't necessarily think they're inherently bad.

So anyway, I thought I was okay since the guy denied being any kind of fundamentalist, he didn't like them much himself. His church was more traditional, just like the church in my old country (orthodox christian). However, he was very much firm in his beliefs about sanctity of marriage among other things. He wouldn't even accept the fact that I've been married before and divorced (my marriage lasted 4 years). He was secretly hoping that I will come around to his truth. He would insult me by saying that I was a slut before I got married. Even though I admit I was a bit wild in the years before my marriage, I've never cheated on anyone, and I've been completely faithful to my husband. We're still best friends, maybe better, after the divorce.

This idiot blamed all my problems on my horrible past. You'd think I was a mass murderer or something. Mind you, it was okay for him to fool around with girls, it's not okay for women to do so. Anyway, this guy totally didn't respect me, was stupid and narrow minded and it came to the point that I just couldn't stand to listen to him anymore. I even had to go to the police to complain that he's been harrassing me even after I broke up with him in no uncertain terms. He has not contacted me since, fortunately for me.

I'm so traumatized by the ordeal that I had to go through with this controlling christian freak that I've sworn off men for a while.

Does anyone else have such experiences with christian boyfriends/girlfriends. You can never be too careful. I certainly will be from now on.


(Message edited by freebird75 On 05/04/2008 17:35:16)

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"Uncertainty, in the presence of vivid hopes and fears, is painful, but must be endured if we wish to live without the support of comforting fairy tales." Bertrand Russel

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MothandRust
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1#



From: Australia
Registered: 02/27/2004
Time spent: 0 hours

RE:Dating Christians after walking away
(Date Posted:05/06/2008 05:55:46)

I saw my best friend walking into the very same situation as yours a coupld of years ago. Gawd, I hope she doesn't track this forum...

She came across a guy online (through my blog actually) who was Christian, but professed to be 'different' from fundy Christians. Aside from the guy being a total jerk in the first place, she fell pregnant with his kids and they eventually got married. I could tell he had the baggage that comes from Christianity... ya know the crap... he wanted her to be 'saved' someday, and he wants to raise their kids Christianly (she fell pregnant with again).

He also seemed to have that attitude that she was 'below' him because she wasn't smart enough to accept that there was a god and a hell and a satan and all that other freaking crap mythology.

Less than a year after the wedding now and she's finally had enough of him and kicked him out of the house. Not really because of Christianity, I'm told, and I believe her, but she admits that there's little common ground for them to share. When a family member of her's commited suicide, he seemed more concerned to talk about the hell in store, rather than consoling her. Call me intolerant if you like, but I think that anyone who actually and truly believes in the concept of hell is a complete and utter fucktard.... best word I can think of right now. Fucktard.

I know the Christian mindset somewhat, and even though I know of mixed marriages of faith that work well, I think they're a rarity. I'd spend the rest of my married life wondering when they were going to stop being so fucktarded. pmsl.... I really like typing that word. Funny.

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“The mystery of the beginning of all things is insoluble by us; and I for one must be content to remain an agnostic” - Darwin
Chirpy
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2#



Registered: 03/06/2003
Time spent: 0 hours

RE:Dating Christians after walking away
(Date Posted:05/07/2008 02:48:53)

Yes, I've been there too when I first walked away.  I've been out with a Methodist but he had mental health problems and there was nothing there so I finished with him.

When you walk away from religion you challenge what you believe and so are more aware of patriarchial attitudes.  As well as that our society isn't so ingrained in christian morality any more although the Establishment (Royalty, judges, House of Lords, Civil Service, heads of industry) would want it imposed on us from above without adhering to it themselves.  People recognise hypocrisy and and are developing their own morality as long as they stay within the law and are loyal to friends and family. We've become more open minded about different expressions of sexuality and other faiths.  So when you get to know christians from any type of denomination whether fundy or mainline them you will encounter a different set of moral beliefs.

A few years' ago I attended a mental health conference on spirituality to which ministers and lay christians were invited.  I couldn't believe the political incorrectness that was going on.  Mental health problems was referred to as madness.  We had made progress with GP's nurses and psychiatrists in that area and it felt that we were starting all over again with christians.
snakechic
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3#



Rank:none
Score:0
Posts:3524
Registered: 11/02/2004
Time spent: 6158 hours

RE:Dating Christians after walking away
(Date Posted:05/07/2008 22:22:02)

I think relationships are hard enough without pushing shit up hill.  Lucky for me I didn't find xians all that 'sexy'  or interesting.  I know this is generalising and all that..but I've found that christian men are insecure about somethings while being total arrogant arsewipes at the same time.  Weird combo. 
There was this one guy ...he wrote me all kinds of 'begging' letters.

I made up my mind when I was young NOT to go out with blokes from my 'old country' ..Part of my family are also Catholic Orthodox and in that kind of culture its common for the females to be cloistered away from the rest of the world and not allowed to  socialise and generally have fairly strict mores.  I think that's changing a wee bit now thou' - still girls are largely "spoilt"  in that community - give all kinds of stuff which is basically the soft end of the stick.

Yeah..I don't like the attitudes ie 'madness'. And I don't necessarily agree that society is built on christian morality ..at least in Australia things aren't so backward ? Capital punishment has been scraped. 

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In exchange for obedience, Christianity promises salvation in an afterlife; but in order to elicit obedience through this promise, Christianity must convince people that they need salvation, that there is something to be saved from. Christianity has nothing to offer a happy person living in a natural, intelligible universe. If Christianity is to gain a motivational foothold, it must declare war on earthly pleasure and happiness, and this, historically, has been its precise course of action. In the eyes of Christianity, woman(man) is sinful and helpless in the face of God, and is potential fuel for the flames of hell. Just as Christianity must destroy reason before it can introduce faith, so it must destroy happiness before it can introduce salvation.

-- George H Smith, Atheism: The Case Against God

logophile
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4#



Rank:none
Score:0
Posts:93
Registered: 08/15/2005
Time spent: 0 hours

RE:Dating Christians after walking away
(Date Posted:05/08/2008 14:07:48)

I suppose an ex-Christian and a Christian (non-fundy) can make a relationship work if they were open-minded and respected eachothers beliefs, but it seems that kind of relationship would be pretty special. Religion is such an explosive topic for many people that it can easily become a weapon used against a partner when the fighting starts. It's also likely that the Christian partner would secretly harbor a desire/hope/goal of bringing the "backslider" back into the fold.

Fundies being in relationships with non-believers is whole other story and almost always a disaster for the obvious reasons. I knew a few people in my churches who were dating non Christians and they got so much flack from the church for it. They also felt guilty about  dating the unbeliever, blamed their relationship on lust, and usually ended up feeling forced to issue a "get saved or get going" ultimatum to their partner.

As far as your situation, Freebird75, it sounds like the guy was possibly insecure which is why he said mean things to you about your past. Of course he probably used his religion as an excuse to think and say those things.

If I were single, I can imagine that I'd possibly agree to date someone who is a bit religious. I'd at least give it a try. I understand that the longing for "god" is pretty much universal and that some people feel it more than others. Maybe others find a better way to integrate it into their lives than I did. I  had a run of lousy luck with religion that made me completely disenchanted and angry about it. If a guy was moderately religious, I don't think that that alone would put me off. It's the individual's personality and heart that matter to me more than their religion or lack thereof.
AthenaMarina
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5#



Registered: 08/22/2003
Time spent: 0 hours

RE:Dating Christians after walking away
(Date Posted:06/24/2008 14:52:26)

Oddly enough I married a Muslim and about a year and a half later was MY walkaway! He said it would be great if I went to church but when he saw I wasn't into it he was fine.  It's weird that this is working fine (married five years now!) but I feel like I don't think I would have wanted to marry a Christian.  I think I feel there would be too much pull from the past plus if he tried to convert me say it would be a BAAD combination!  I used to WISH that the Christian guys I liked would like me back but now I'm really glad that never worked out.  Believe me when I was a lot younger I'd even cry about it but now I just feel HUGE RELIEF!  If our marriage ended I wouldn't be looking for Christian guys.  I'm not saying someone who has walked away and a Christian can't work but in MY case NO.  It just reminds me too much of what I left behind.  A lot depends on the two people in the couple.  A REALLY BIG factor is how big they are on conversion.  If they kept trying to convert you well!  Freebird that guy - - - WHAT AN ASS HOLE!!!  I don't mention this often at all but I had an abortion and my Muslim husband (then he was an ex boyfriend I was still friends with) was the first person to encourage me to well he said "Can a doctor take the baby out?"  But he was referring to abortion NOT labour and when I told him I was having an abortion he was supportive.  He sat with me in a park after the operation, just being there for me, making sure I was OK, physically and emotionally.  The actual would be father didn't give a shit.  He denied it was his for starters!  So I knew that my Muslim ex boyfriend accepted me from that.  And I've never told him this but I always feel like if he could support me with THAT and respect my decisions (esp when it wasn't his - we hadn't even had sex then!) then he was a good guy.  So far I've been proved right!
I've had some disasterous dates with Christian guys but your one is worse, freebird!

--------------------------------------------------------------
Yes I AM too cool for church! Jesus is NOT waaay cool I AM! Am I"m real and he"s NOT SO...!

I used to be into Jesus
But now I"ve kicked the habit
Now I have REALLY seen "the light" and know the REAL truth and the Truth - not the lie of christianity! - has set me free!

"..When you"re inside the pig, it"s so warm and comfortable and feels wonderful. Then you get out and you realise the hideous monster that"s been accomodating you!" (From a book, talking about during and after bad relationships but SO appropriate here too!)
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AthenaMarina
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6#



Registered: 08/22/2003
Time spent: 0 hours

RE:Dating Christians after walking away
(Date Posted:06/24/2008 15:12:42)

P.S. I have mentioned this before here at least twice but freebird since you asked!  There was the guy who was SO UGLY that I wanted to pretend I wasn't me (blind date) and THEN we got into an argument about whether couples should wait for sex till they are married.  I was saying no, what if they never GET married.  (I think even then there were signs.) 
Then there was the guy who lied about his looks (hair colour, facial features, build etc.) but it got worse!  He was aggressive.  He wanted to choose where to eat dinner - it was a double date and there were three other people involved but he didn't give a DAMN!  He wanted to eat at Denny's BECAUSE he could have a free drink while waiting!!!  And he got into a huff till we gave in!  Then he whispered to me "I think you look very nice" and when I ignored him - well the feeling WASN'T mutual and I didn't know how to respond - and I started to talk to the other guy, my date snapped "Didn't you HEAR what I said?!" He put his arm round my chair when I leaned forward - not the back of it but so that if I leaned back his arm would have been around ME so I kept leaning forward!!  Got snappy cos I wanted to pay for dinner!  We three ditched him in the end saying we were tired and went off for ice cream together!
Then
there was the gorgeous guy and he WAS and he had a degree, brains, good job, had travelled and could use chopsticks!  And was sexy and thought I looked good TOO! BUT on our SECOND date he REALLY blew it!  We'd agreed on the movie, it wasn't showing at the place we went to so he decided to see a graphic horror - on a 2nd date!  I went to the ladies and - my bad - came back and feined a family emergency.  But he snapped at me "Well I'M going to see it ANYWAY!"  I let him watch the slasher movie with it's blood and guts all by himself and went off to do kareoke with my friends!
Then there was the just a friend guy who I made a mistake OK I stayed with him.  But I was in a different room did NOT flirt and had made it VERY clear he was just a friend and so on.  But then he gave me a friendly hug which lasted too long for my liking his voice and eyes got horny and I thought OH HELL NO! so got the fuck out of there and stayed with other friends I'd made in his city! 
Then there was the guy whose best friend I was dating and he kept going on about liking me wanting my phone number etc. even though I kept saying I was NOT interested!  But even WORSE!! One day I gave him and the best friend a ride somewhere and creepy guy says "I used to have a problem with the sin of masturbation."  Just out of the blue HOLY FUCK I DID NOT want to KNOW that!  (Maybe I should have kicked him out of the car then?) 
There was a hot Christian guy that had his own underage!! nightclub, degree and popular and he asked me out with his friends but I literally had car problems and when I told him snapped "Don't worry, we had fun ANYWAY!" and when I was not in a relationship he was and when he was not in a relationship I was....
Ew then there was this guy I met at a church I went to.  We became friends at a young people's Christian music etc. camp thing.  A week later I made ANOTHER boo boo went out with him cos I felt sorry for him cos he cried when I said no stupid STUPID ME NEVER AGAIN!! BECAUSE a week or two after that...he'd told me that he'd pushed his dad AND his sister to the wall.  Then one day I called him and he said mum and dad were angry at him.  I asked WHY are they angry at you? Because I cut up the hose.  Uhm, WHY did you cut up the hose?  I don't know.      FUUCK!!  And later on he said a cousin was schizophrenic and he thought he might be and told me there was no guarantee he wouldn't lose control and hit me.  So I got out and decided I didn't want to see him, stopped going to that church and didn't answer the phone for a month cos I was scared!  About
two years later I met him & he had this new girlfriend and oh my god she said she could beat anyone up including me and I thought you two DESERVE each other!!! 
Then there was the online Christian guy who sent me increasingly nasty emails as I'd said in my Christian dating profile I didn't want children so I needed a guy who was OK with that. 
Then there was the OTHER online Christian guy who became the PHONE Christian guy (we lived in different countries) but GUESS WHO ended up paying for all the phone bills!!
DISASTEROUS CHRISTIAN DATES FROM HELL THAT I HAVE HAD!!!

--------------------------------------------------------------
Yes I AM too cool for church! Jesus is NOT waaay cool I AM! Am I"m real and he"s NOT SO...!

I used to be into Jesus
But now I"ve kicked the habit
Now I have REALLY seen "the light" and know the REAL truth and the Truth - not the lie of christianity! - has set me free!

"..When you"re inside the pig, it"s so warm and comfortable and feels wonderful. Then you get out and you realise the hideous monster that"s been accomodating you!" (From a book, talking about during and after bad relationships but SO appropriate here too!)
Support us Just click the links below and your donations will make a difference here.
 
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