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logophile
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08/15/2005
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(Date Posted:08/15/2005 17:17:14)
I started attending a fundamentalist church at age 11, primarily because my mom had started going. She and I were very close ( and by that I mean codependent), so whatever she did, I had to do, too. Our life had been a strange and difficult one at times. We had virtually no family except for eachother and what we did have was pretty dysfunctional. We lived the type of life where the highs were great and exhilerating, but the lows were hell. She was sometimes suicidal and I remember spending hours trying to talk her out of killing herself when the pressures of life had become unbearable. It wasn't all bad of course, and we had some great times, but the difficulty and oddness was,I beleive, the reason that etreme religion appealed to us at the time. For her, it provided a means of "deliverance" from what she truly felt was a cursed life, full of missed opportunities and unfulfilled dreams. For me, it was a way to calm my fear of being abandoned; a way to keep my mother alive.
Despite our desperation, she and I never entirely bought the whole fundy package. She soon recognized the discrepency between what the church people said wand what they actually did. I, on the other hand, always had a problem with the doctrine in general. I'm a thinker and a reader and have been since I was a tiny kid, and to be honest much of the stuff I heard in church seemed like nonsense. But to keep the fragile peace that church attendance had brought to my life, I kept my mouth shut. My mother, on the other hand, was never the type to hold her opinion. When she saw hypocrisy, she called it out. When she disagreed with fundamentalism's teachings on the role of women, she argued against it. Soon, she was known as a "trouble-maker". We were asked to leave the first hurch we attended after 2 years because some of our "friends" framed my mother for plotting against the pastor. She was totally innocent of the charges. In fact, the accuser was actually the perp. But of course, the pastor beleived that the "disobedient" one must have been guilty. My mom went back into the suicial threats after we left the cjurch, so when she started attending another one, there was relief mixed with my dread.
Long story short, we spent years going to several churches and doing the "church thing". Deliverance ( basically exorcism)ministry was big in the late 80's, early 90's, so mom got involved with that. The rapture craze was in full swing and people gave their kid's college funds to missions work because nobody thought we'd all still be around 20 years down the line. I saw the good the bad and the ugly ( mostly the last two) of church people and I grew more and more weary of it. However, as the teen years went on, I naturally started to seek comeradery and acceptance from others. I became willing to hurt people if that's what it took to have some stability. It didn't work for me though. Somehow, partially because of my connection to my outspoken mom, I was always the outsider and the oddball.
Eventually, one of the churches we were attending went off the deep end and turned into a full blown cult. the pastor controlled EVERYTHING and everyone to the point that people waited on him hand and foot. He was in everyones life; in every detail. Unfortunately, my mom and I had become his good friends over a period of four years. We were like part of his family. I felt that I had arrived. Big mistake! It ended up that my mom conforted him about his behavior and he went nuts. He threw us out of the church. if that weren't enough, he had the church members stalk us; breaking into our house and cutting our phone lines. I feared for my life. We had to leave New York and moved to Pennsylvania. But had we had enough of churches? Not yet. We got involved in two more. They weren't anywhere near as insane as the last one, but my mom ,her new husband, and by this time, myself, started our own ministry. We thought this would be a way to help people who had been through "spiritual abuse" like we had. All went well until one of the members of our board ( on the advice of a pastor) screwed us over financially and caused us to lose our home.
Beleive it or not, that's the short version of the story. I have learned the hard way that fundamentalism is not the best encouager of decent human behavior. I watched time and again as people acted in very unChristlike ways in the name of Christ. An oppressive system that demands a person to deny emotions, creativity, intellect, and justice can produce nothing but the most base, immature displays of jealousy, bigotry, pride, and ignorance. I've suffered the effects of it. I still believe in God, but I question myself on exactly what I beleive. I know that a system that hurts so many people can't be from a loving God. I have a three-month-old daughter now and I just want to give her the best life possible. I never want her to be so unstable or afraid that she'd be willing to accept a petty and hateful God. I want her to know that God is love. For me it will be a long road.
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RadioOne
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2# |
Registered:
07/18/2004
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(Date Posted:08/15/2005 18:43:03)
Welcome to Walk Away.
*HUG* What a long road to hoe! At least you are out of the worst of it. I'm sorry to say that I am not suprised by the behavior of so-called "Christians." I, too, have held on to my belief in God, and I occassionally challenge my former group. Of course, they automatically assume that I am an unbeliever because I question them. The fear of God being "petty and hateful" drives people to do highly irrational things. When they do wrong, they rationalize it despite their opinion that God is something as someone would describe as a bipolar, hateful diety. I know, I am just now getting out of it myself. Fundamentalists can be so brainwashed that they act as if they can not understand why someone would not want to worship (much less love) such a deity.
Things are nuts out there, and it only goes to show how humans have the capacity to ruin things.
Take care, friend. We are a mix of people here, and we are willing to help.
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"You must remember yourself--be acutely aware of yourself being present to yourself in this point in time."
--Dr. Quentin Dinardo, professor
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phoenixgirl
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3# |
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(Date Posted:08/15/2005 21:40:54)
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--Phoenixgirl
"I am influenced at the present time by far higher considerations and by a nobler idea of duty than I ever was when I held the Evangelical belief." George Eliot
"I have one great fear in my heart, that one day when they are turned to loving, they will find we are turned to hating." Alan Paton's Cry, the Beloved Country (I promise I read this before it was an Oprah book club book)
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logophile
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4# |
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08/15/2005
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(Date Posted:08/16/2005 16:08:31)
 Thank you for your replies. Nice to meet all of you! I'm glad there's a plce where I can get to know folks who have similar experiences to my own.
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snakechic
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5# |
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11/02/2004
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(Date Posted:08/30/2005 09:53:42)
Reply to : logophile
I was always the outsider and the oddball.
I watched time and again as people acted in very unChristlike ways in the name of Christ. An oppressive system that demands a person to deny emotions, creativity, intellect, and justice can produce nothing but the most base, immature displays of jealousy, bigotry, pride, and ignorance. I've suffered the effects of it. I still believe in God, but I question myself on exactly what I beleive.
A belated warm welcome. I can relate to a lot you describe in your short long story I appreciate reading it. There are a huge number of disfunctional xian chruches springing up all over the world that are causing more damage than imagined. You sound as if you had to be a very strong kid to keep things together at home. Unfortunately there are many non xian families going through that as well.
Its was good that your mum had a mind of her own and didn't buy all the fundie rubbish, hook line and sinker like many other people do. My sister found a cult to join up with - and don't they all sound the same. I wouldn't describe her as a 'mental' case but from my experiences cults /dodgey churches seek out and find the most vulnerable people they can possibly find. No shame in being vulnerable, even for ex fundies. I think everyone has been one time or the other, even people who label themselves as 'normal' whatever that is  In fact as you pointed out xian fundies can be cruel and exploit people. I'm glad to decided to stop doing that.
Ok....I saw plenty of unchrist like ways meself. (misspelt on purpose) you describe all the traits very well. Selfabsorbed and something else I've observed.......I need to feel 'special' or 'superior' ..wouldn't you say?
Yep the big task is to question everything and as someone said to me once, be very honest with yourself - not as easy as it sounds.
YaY .....a little daughter.....how lucky you are Please look after yourself !
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In exchange for obedience, Christianity promises salvation in an afterlife; but in order to elicit obedience through this promise, Christianity must convince people that they need salvation, that there is something to be saved from. Christianity has nothing to offer a happy person living in a natural, intelligible universe. If Christianity is to gain a motivational foothold, it must declare war on earthly pleasure and happiness, and this, historically, has been its precise course of action. In the eyes of Christianity, woman(man) is sinful and helpless in the face of God, and is potential fuel for the flames of hell. Just as Christianity must destroy reason before it can introduce faith, so it must destroy happiness before it can introduce salvation.
-- George H Smith, Atheism: The Case Against God
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openmindchick
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(Date Posted:10/19/2005 19:08:51)
Reply to : logophile
I started attending a fundamentalist church at age 11, primarily because my mom had started going. She and I were very close ( and by that I mean codependent), so whatever she did, I had to do, too. Our life had been a strange and difficult one at times. We had virtuallyno family except for eachother and what we did havewas pretty dysfunctional. We lived the type of life where the highs were great and exhilerating, but the lows were hell. She wassometimes suicidal and I remember spending hours trying to talk her out of killing herself when the pressures of life hadbecome unbearable.It wasn't all bad of course, and we had some great times, but the difficulty and oddness was,I beleive, the reason that etreme religion appealed to us at the time.For her, it provided a means of "deliverance" from what she truly felt was a cursed life, full
Wow, that's rough! I attended one church that started out meeting in a school-BEWARE OF CHURCHES MEETING IN HOMES, SCHOOLS OR OFFICE BUILDING-their master plan includes building a HUGE CAMPUS -in this case it included a school.
It was nondenominational with 5 pastors; one later got a divorce, left the ministry and became a stockbroker. Several people became disillusioned as a result, left the church and started their own church. I thought: "PLEASE! He's only human, too!"
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